Ramblings #1
We're closing in on the end of October. Our clocks just changed to winter time, so it's already getting dark earlier and will continue to do so for the next few months.
This is my first blog entry and I decided to call my blog, Lonny's Ramblings. Why ramblings? In this way, I don't have any commitment for coherency, chronological lock in or even to any particular subject matter. All I have to do is put to paper (in this case, computer) anything that is on my mind and as tangents arise, just follow those tangents. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get back to the original track of thought. So - Ramblings!
Thanksgiving is coming around next month and that gets me thinking - about the meal with lots of guests, of course, but more about what we do towards the end of the meal - tell what we are grateful about. This year, like all years has had its mix of good and bad, highs and lows, and lots of challenges. I could think about all that has happened, look at how my life and those around me have been affected and then think which of those things I am grateful for. It goes without saying that I am, as always, eternally grateful for my family, but to move away from that cliche, I have to think outside of the family.
Today, it is easy for me to do that. Today, I received an email from a very dear friend of mine. I just saw him last week as I traveled to be with him during his time of need, the aftermath of a terrible tragedy in his family last summer. I went to visit him and his family for me to somehow provide a little comfort and to see if and how they are healing. And as I mentioned, I hoped to provide some little bit of comfort. I know that they are surrounded by very caring friends who have been incredibly supportive since the tragedy. My friend, who actually started as my manager and then became such a dear friend is someone I would go to the ends of the earth to help if he needed me, so when he asked me when I would be around, I immediately made plans to visit him. Visiting is not going around the corner or driving a couple of hours. It is multiple planes and half way around the world (Israel to Portland, Oregon).
When his family tragedy occurred, it was now the second time this year that I was impacted by this - suicide. Up until now, suicide was something that I knew very little about and had directly encountered it even less. After this, the second suicide of someone I knew, I wanted to gain some insight and started to read about depression and its potential, possible path to suicide. I am far from being an expert or even claim that I have a good understanding, but I do have some and that small understanding has helped me help my dear friend. So, I want to share some of my small understanding. Please note that I am not talking of the sudden suicide decisions of someone like an adolescent whose boyfriend or girlfriend just broke up with them and they were devastated and took this sudden drastic measure. I am referring to those who suffer long time depression which leads them to this tragedy.
So many people have cliche knowledge/understanding of suicide. This includes the belief that the person who committed suicide couldn't hack it or chose not to deal with his/her problems and took the easy way out or that they were being selfish, thinking only of themselves and not those they were leaving behind.
Survivors of suicides (family and close friends of the person who committed suicide) think how could they have done this to us. Didn't they think of the pain and hurt they were causing us?
And the worst thoughts and guilt feelings for the survivors is how did they not see the problems leading up to the suicide. This is possibly the hardest thing to deal with, the feeling that the survivor could not possibly have been a good father, mother, sister, brother, friend; not to have known the pain that the suicide victim was going through.
From the little I have learned, long time sufferers of depression have a real and terrible illness. Most of them do their utmost to hide what they are going through, even from those closest to them. They put on a happy face and try with every thread of their being to go through their public life as 'normally' as possible without anyone being able to read into them. When they are alone, and they look for this 'aloneness' to let their guards down, they are very different from the people we see out their. They can become a couch potato watching TV and eating lots of junk food, or just stay in the dark with nothing but their own heads messing with them; or they can behave in a number of different ways that I am not going to get into. The main point here is that we typically see these depression suffering friends and relatives in a much sunnier light then they really feel inside. The efforts they put into this is huge and extremely tiring. And then they are alone with their minds going into the darkest of places.
Many of these victims consider suicide quite frequently and it is possible, even probable that they are able to put it off because of the love and support they have from family and friends. They don't talk about it for the most part, although sometimes there may be an off the cuff remark or even a joke about suicide that goes unnoticed or is left in the back of the mind of the person who heard the remark.
In the worst of cases, this poor person's depression leads them to the deepest despair and dark place where they don't see any way of getting out. The pain and desperation are so complete and they probably feel that they are the worst type of burden to those they care about most. No matter how much searching they do in this darkness, the only thing out there is more darkness and they believe that the only option left to them is suicide. And yes, their minds are probably going in all types of circles about leaving their loved ones, but they probably think that this is best for them as well. When they are in such a dark and terrible place, they feel that the whole world is so dark and that they will drag anyone they care about into this terrible place as well.
So no, suicide is not the easy way out, nor is it a selfish thing. It is a hard and horrible decision that these victims reach through desperation and pain.
The survivors are still left with all the questions and guilt. I'm not talking about the cases of suicide where the survivors are truly the cause of the desperation such as in abuse cases. I'm talking about the loving and caring people whose lives will never be the same because one of the people they loved and cared so much about became this suicide victim. For these survivors, there are the inevitable questions they ask themselves: How did I not see this coming? Was I a terrible father, mother, sister, brother, friend? Why couldn't I help him/her and prevent this? Couldn't I have been better and help make his/her life brighter? How did I miss the warning signs?
Unfortunately, these questions can eat away at the survivors and the void of not having answers may remain forever. In so many cases, the survivors who have these unanswered questions were in fact so caring and loving. It was most likely this caring and loving that provided a life preserver for as long as it could until the depressed person just couldn't hang on any longer. His/her strength just ran out and all they could see was the abyss in front of them.
I don't know if what I have written will be of any help or comfort to anyone else, but I am so thankful that these thoughts were of some comfort to my very dear friend. So for this Thanksgiving (as I said, this blog is my ramblings and the ramble has led back to its root), I am thankful that I was able to help my friend, at least a little bit.
If you've read this far, then thank you for putting up with these ramblings. Til my next one...
Lonny
We're closing in on the end of October. Our clocks just changed to winter time, so it's already getting dark earlier and will continue to do so for the next few months.
This is my first blog entry and I decided to call my blog, Lonny's Ramblings. Why ramblings? In this way, I don't have any commitment for coherency, chronological lock in or even to any particular subject matter. All I have to do is put to paper (in this case, computer) anything that is on my mind and as tangents arise, just follow those tangents. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get back to the original track of thought. So - Ramblings!
Thanksgiving is coming around next month and that gets me thinking - about the meal with lots of guests, of course, but more about what we do towards the end of the meal - tell what we are grateful about. This year, like all years has had its mix of good and bad, highs and lows, and lots of challenges. I could think about all that has happened, look at how my life and those around me have been affected and then think which of those things I am grateful for. It goes without saying that I am, as always, eternally grateful for my family, but to move away from that cliche, I have to think outside of the family.
Today, it is easy for me to do that. Today, I received an email from a very dear friend of mine. I just saw him last week as I traveled to be with him during his time of need, the aftermath of a terrible tragedy in his family last summer. I went to visit him and his family for me to somehow provide a little comfort and to see if and how they are healing. And as I mentioned, I hoped to provide some little bit of comfort. I know that they are surrounded by very caring friends who have been incredibly supportive since the tragedy. My friend, who actually started as my manager and then became such a dear friend is someone I would go to the ends of the earth to help if he needed me, so when he asked me when I would be around, I immediately made plans to visit him. Visiting is not going around the corner or driving a couple of hours. It is multiple planes and half way around the world (Israel to Portland, Oregon).
When his family tragedy occurred, it was now the second time this year that I was impacted by this - suicide. Up until now, suicide was something that I knew very little about and had directly encountered it even less. After this, the second suicide of someone I knew, I wanted to gain some insight and started to read about depression and its potential, possible path to suicide. I am far from being an expert or even claim that I have a good understanding, but I do have some and that small understanding has helped me help my dear friend. So, I want to share some of my small understanding. Please note that I am not talking of the sudden suicide decisions of someone like an adolescent whose boyfriend or girlfriend just broke up with them and they were devastated and took this sudden drastic measure. I am referring to those who suffer long time depression which leads them to this tragedy.
So many people have cliche knowledge/understanding of suicide. This includes the belief that the person who committed suicide couldn't hack it or chose not to deal with his/her problems and took the easy way out or that they were being selfish, thinking only of themselves and not those they were leaving behind.
Survivors of suicides (family and close friends of the person who committed suicide) think how could they have done this to us. Didn't they think of the pain and hurt they were causing us?
And the worst thoughts and guilt feelings for the survivors is how did they not see the problems leading up to the suicide. This is possibly the hardest thing to deal with, the feeling that the survivor could not possibly have been a good father, mother, sister, brother, friend; not to have known the pain that the suicide victim was going through.
From the little I have learned, long time sufferers of depression have a real and terrible illness. Most of them do their utmost to hide what they are going through, even from those closest to them. They put on a happy face and try with every thread of their being to go through their public life as 'normally' as possible without anyone being able to read into them. When they are alone, and they look for this 'aloneness' to let their guards down, they are very different from the people we see out their. They can become a couch potato watching TV and eating lots of junk food, or just stay in the dark with nothing but their own heads messing with them; or they can behave in a number of different ways that I am not going to get into. The main point here is that we typically see these depression suffering friends and relatives in a much sunnier light then they really feel inside. The efforts they put into this is huge and extremely tiring. And then they are alone with their minds going into the darkest of places.
Many of these victims consider suicide quite frequently and it is possible, even probable that they are able to put it off because of the love and support they have from family and friends. They don't talk about it for the most part, although sometimes there may be an off the cuff remark or even a joke about suicide that goes unnoticed or is left in the back of the mind of the person who heard the remark.
In the worst of cases, this poor person's depression leads them to the deepest despair and dark place where they don't see any way of getting out. The pain and desperation are so complete and they probably feel that they are the worst type of burden to those they care about most. No matter how much searching they do in this darkness, the only thing out there is more darkness and they believe that the only option left to them is suicide. And yes, their minds are probably going in all types of circles about leaving their loved ones, but they probably think that this is best for them as well. When they are in such a dark and terrible place, they feel that the whole world is so dark and that they will drag anyone they care about into this terrible place as well.
So no, suicide is not the easy way out, nor is it a selfish thing. It is a hard and horrible decision that these victims reach through desperation and pain.
The survivors are still left with all the questions and guilt. I'm not talking about the cases of suicide where the survivors are truly the cause of the desperation such as in abuse cases. I'm talking about the loving and caring people whose lives will never be the same because one of the people they loved and cared so much about became this suicide victim. For these survivors, there are the inevitable questions they ask themselves: How did I not see this coming? Was I a terrible father, mother, sister, brother, friend? Why couldn't I help him/her and prevent this? Couldn't I have been better and help make his/her life brighter? How did I miss the warning signs?
Unfortunately, these questions can eat away at the survivors and the void of not having answers may remain forever. In so many cases, the survivors who have these unanswered questions were in fact so caring and loving. It was most likely this caring and loving that provided a life preserver for as long as it could until the depressed person just couldn't hang on any longer. His/her strength just ran out and all they could see was the abyss in front of them.
I don't know if what I have written will be of any help or comfort to anyone else, but I am so thankful that these thoughts were of some comfort to my very dear friend. So for this Thanksgiving (as I said, this blog is my ramblings and the ramble has led back to its root), I am thankful that I was able to help my friend, at least a little bit.
If you've read this far, then thank you for putting up with these ramblings. Til my next one...
Lonny
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